Living Lies

"When adopters say 'I don’t know why my kid. lies,' I say, ‘He’s living one of society’s biggest lies: You belong in this family." - Nancy Verrier, MA, MFT, adopter, in "Birth Scene—A Different Kind of Relationship: Thoughts on Adoption"

In the best interest of whom?

"In most agency adoptions, despite promises of confidentiality, the adoptive parents receive a copy of the adoption decree, which often contains the child's original first and last name, and sometimes the mother's first name as well. According to Delores M. Schmidt, Director of Family and Aging Services, Catholic Charities, Denver, Colorado, "Confidentiality protected his adoptive parents from publicly facing the reality of their childlessness." “Dual Heritage: The Challenge of Adoption." Charities USA, March, 1980, p.9.

Sealed Records and Shame

"The secrecy of the sealed record was to hide their shame. What it did. instead, was to intensify it by making birthmothers feel they'd done something so hideous that all references to it had to be locked away and never reopened." Kate Weinstein, "Mothers in Exile: The Aftermath of Surrendering a Baby for Adoption," Feeling Great, New York: Haymarket Group, No. 13. July, 1985, p.66.

An Excellent Position

"At the same time, I do believe that there are times when it is best for a baby to be cared for by someone other than his natural mother (or father). However, I do not believe that adoption, as it currently exists, is the answer. Even when a mother does not want to or is unable to care for her baby, there is no reason why the child has to be denied the right to know his original name, to see his real birth certificate, and to know who his natural parents, siblings, and grandparents are. There is no reason why natural parents should not be allowed to know whether their child was indeed adopted or not, how their child is doing, what their child's name is, who is caring for their child, and even if their child is alive or dead.

Although it is sometimes necessary for children to be raised by people other than their natural parents, it is never necessary to have the secrecy and lies that we have in the adoption system today. The closed adoption system wasn't created until around the 1950s. It's time to end this awful experiment.

Also, in many of the situations where a mother feels that she cannot raise her child and it would be best to surrender her child for adoption, it is because of a lack of financial and social support. If our country really valued families and provided decent social welfare to help parents in need (as other developed nations do), many of these separations could be prevented." - bernadette wright

Permission to Reunite?

"Adopted adults, sadly, are still treated in books like The Adoption Reunion Handbook as if they were children and advised to obtain ‘emotional permission’ from their adopters before seeking reunion with members of their families. I was appalled to read this. This is one of many examples in which adopted people are made to feel that they will forever be the ‘property’ of their adopters and never allowed to obtain true emotional emancipation. It is the role of all parents to raise their children to become responsible adults. As parents, it is not appropriate for us to expect our adult children to seek our ‘emotional permission’ for any decisions they are called upon to make. Adoption-related decisions are no different from decisions made by our adult children in other areas of their lives." - Evelyn Burns Robinson

Rules for a Search

10 Rules for a Search

1. Try to stand in the shoes of the people you seek.
2. Ask the right questions.
3. Keep recoreds of everything.
4. Be patient. Don't jump to any hasty conclusions.
5. Repitition of information helps to establish facts.
6. Leave no stone unturned.
7. Assume anything you have been told could be wrong.
8. Never assume you are seeking people who dont want to be found. Your birth parents did not seal your records - society did.
9. Think. Use your own creativity. YOU are the most motivated searcher you can hire.
10. Remember -- you are not alone. There are many people who care about you and will support your effort.

- Birthright, Jean A. S. Strauss

Searching and Adoptive Parent Fears

"I know this from personal experience, having chosen not to include my mother in my search because I thought I was protecting her. Afraid she might misunderstand my motives and assume that I was searching to find better parents or a better life. I worried about causing her grief. But I must also admit that beneath my altruistic concern about hurting her was an enormous fear. As close as my mother and I were, as much as I knew she loved me, subconciously I was afraid she might reject me -- abandon me -- if I pursued my search. Nothing in our mother-daughter relationship gave me any credence to this fear, but it seemed logical to me. A mother had "abandoned" me once before"
- Birthright, Jean A. S. Strauss

Shame and Blame

“... unwed mothers... had to deal individually with personal shame and blame; rejecting parents and boyfriends…” – Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy And Race Before Roe V. Wade –, Rickie Solinger

Illegitimacy

“Against the background of history, too prominent to escape the observation from which it shrinks, stands a figure, mute, mournful and indescribably sad. It is a girl holding in her arms the blessing and burden of motherhood, but in whose face one finds no trace of maternal joy or pride… Who is this woman, so pitiable, yet so scorned? It is the mother of the illegitimate child. By forbidden paths she has obtained the grace of maternity, but its glory is for her transfigured into a badge of unutterable shame.” - Albert Leffingwell, Illegitimacy: A Study in Morals

The Heart Outside

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body". ~Elizabeth Stone

Knowing Heritage

"In all of us there is a hunger, narrow and deep, to know our heritage, to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is a vacuum, an emptiness and a most disquieting loneliness!" - Alex Haley, Author

Mother Child Bond

"The bond between a mother and her child is naturally sacred. It is physical, psychological and spiritual. It is very resilient and very flexible. It can stretch very far - naturally. Any artificial or violent injury to this "stretch" constitutes a serious psychic trauma to both mother and child - for all eternity. This means that children need their mothers and mothers need their children - whether or not a mother is married or unmarried." - Mothers On Trial, The Battle For Children and Custody, by Phyllis Chesler, copyright 1986, 1987

The Past

"The past isn't dead...........It isn't even past" - William Faulkner

Grateful for Adoption

"Adoption Loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful" - The Reverend Keith C. Griffith, MBE

Ex Children?

"There are ex-husbands and ex-wives but there are no ex-moms, ex-dads or ex-children" - Anon

On Knowledge Before You Were Born

"Not to have knowledge of what happened before you were born is to be condemned to live forever as a child.' - Cicero (c. 106-43 BC)

My People

"I was born to a woman I never knew and raised by another who took in orphans. I do not know my background, my lineage, my biological or cultural heritage. But when I meet someone new, I treat them with respect.... For after all, they could be my people." - James Michener, Author

Things Not to Say - To Those Who Adopt

Things that are NOT to be Said to People Who Adopt:

1. How much did she/he cost?
2. Why did you go and adopt--couldn't you have your "own" child?
3. Did you buy that baby?
4. Maybe now that you adopted, you'll have "your own" child.
5. She/He looks nothing like either of you.
6. What are you going to do when she/he looks for their birthparent?
7. Do you know her/his "real" parents?
8. I sure hope he/she fits into your family!
9. Why didn't his/her real mom want him/her?
10. Don't even tell him/her they are adopted, they'll never know.
11. Too bad you had to adopt!
12. Whose fault is it you can't get pregnant?
13. You're doing these kids such a favor.
14. S/he is so lucky to have your family instead of his/her own.
15. An older child is damaged goods .
16. She's your daughter?
17. What about your own kids? What do they think about this?
18. She might come from a cursed background.
19. What are you going to do when you have kids of your own?
20. Do you think you love them as much as you could love your real kids?
21. You got kids the easy way you never even had to be pregnant.
22. What if the real parents come back and kidnap them?
--Joe Soll, Adoption Crossroads

Things Not to Say - Mothers

Things that are NOT to be Said to Exiled Mothers (and fathers):

1. Forget about it (your baby) and get on with your life. My response was always, she is my life.
2. Leave well enough alone, s/he has another family now.
3. You did the right thing.
4. You will destroy/disrupt her/his life if you make contact.
5. You would have been unable to provide for your child.
6. It was better for the baby to have two parents.
7. Let sleeping dogs lie.
8. She has her own family now.
9. But you've had other children and you should be happy now.
10. Why don't you just let it go?
11. She was better off.
12. It's water over the bridge now.
13. If she needs you she'll come searching for you. You should'nt search for her!
14. You made the decision and you can't change your mind.
15. But you're not really her mother.
16. That was a long time ago. What's the matter with you?
17. She's turned out to be a nice person, so you should be grateful.
18. I don't know how you could do it... I could never give up my child.
19. If you really love her you will give her up, otherwise you are selfish.
20. No one will ever want to marry you with someone else's child.
21. There is no way you can work and care for your child properly. She will have to spend most of the day with a babysitter!!
22. Don't get too attached to the baby.
23. You're so lucky they send you pictures.
24. That's so nice of them to let you see him.
25. Aren't they afraid you're going to take her back?
26. How could you give away such a beautiful child?
27. You're confusing them by staying in their life.
28. What a wonderful gift you gave them (the adoptive parents).
29. Tell people to say that their child died.
30. You ae not the father you are just the sperm donor. .
31. You have no right to be in his life anymore you have relinquished all rights
as a parent, no wonder his family feels so threatened.
32. I know how you feel.
33. It's not like you can't have other children.
34. At least he will be loved now.
35. "Thank you for giving me your daughter." She was NOT a gift!
Your joy was based upon my pain. Don't thank me for that!
36. You should be grateful he/she even speaks to you.
37. When she's crying on his birthday:"This is the price you pay for sin."
--Joe Soll, Adoption Crossroads

Things Not to Say - Adoptees

Things that are NOT to be Said to Adoptees:

1. You're special because you're adopted.
2. You were chosen.
3. Your mother loved you so much that she gave you up.
4. You're lucky.
5. It doesn't matter.
6. You shouldn't be angry.
7. You shouldn't be sad.
8. You should be careful what you ask for -- you might get it.
9. By finding her, you're invading her life.
10. Why are you interested in someone who didn't want you ?
11. Why do you want to find someone you didn't ever know?
12. Ever since you started searching you have become obsessed.
13. ...but your adoptive parents love(d) you so much.
14. ...but you're hurting your adoptive parents
15. Babies don't remember anything.
16. You're being ungrateful!
17. You have no respect for your adoptive parents.
18. Get over it!
19. If she loved you, she wouldn't have given you away.
20. You're being over sensititve
21. Forget it and get on with your life.
22. Why would you want to find her?
23. It's the past, you can't change it.
24. You have no right to disturb her life.
25. ...but your adoptive parents really wanted you.
26. ...What's wrong? Weren't your adoptive parents good enough?
27. You're being selfish and disrespectful!
28. Didn't your parents do a good enough job?
29. How many mothers do you need?
30. Oh...you're one of them?
31. You adopted children should respect her privacy.
32. ...but you look like you come from such a good family.
33. ...but you don't look adopted.
34. Well, maybe that's the way it was meant to be.
35. If she didn't want you then, why would she want you now. You'll get rejected.
36. You might be opening Pandora's Box
37. You don't need to know
38. Your grandmother (grandfather, aunt, uncle, other family member, etc.) doesn't consider you "family" because you're not blood-related.
39. Ohh, your so lucky you could be someones love child.
40. What's it like being adopted?
41. You don't look like your family, are you adopted or something?
--Joe Soll, Adoption Crossroads

Pro adoption?

"How can you be pro-adoption and be pro-family?"
- LiveJournal User

The Face of Unwed Mothers

"I am the face that, now, emerges from obscurity and calls out to be seen. You can call me the birthmother, the first mother, the natural mother or whatever term meets your comfort level, but it won't change the fact at hand.

That fact is that I am a MOTHER without her child."
-- The 'Unwed' Mother, Who Am I, Robin Westbrook

Aborting the Mother

"We wanted to do a domestic open adoption so our daughter could know her family. Our daughters mother chose not to abort her, how could we abort our daughters mother from our lives. "
- Adoptive Parent

Face in the Mirror

"When she looks in the mirror, we want our daughter to know herself. It's hard to face the world when you don't know where your face came from."
- Adoptive Parent

Two Mothers

"If a mother and father can love more than one child, then certainly a child can love more than one mother or father."
- Unknown

Cure for Infertility

"Adoption has been looked at as a cure for infertility. If it is looked at that way, the parents will pretend everything is 'as if'. There is a strong investment on all sides to pretend, to act, 'as if' the adoptee was born into the family. The adoptee strives to act like and be like and do like the adoptive parents, however, 'as if' just doesn't work. Every time, for example, an adoptee hears the statement, "I love you as if you are my own,' it's a slap in the face."
--Adoption Healing, Joe Soll

Rights of a Child

"The child...shall, wherever possible, grow up in the care and under the responsibility of his parents..a child of tender years shall not, save in exceptional circumstances, be separated from his mother."
- Declaration of the Rights of the Child, United Nations/UNICEF

Loyalty

"Adoptees, then, are caught, between the loyalty they feel to the adoptive parents who 'rescued' them and the invisible loyalty to the mother who gave birth to them. Troubled as they are by feeling ungrateful, they remain ambivalent about accepting their adoptive parents as the 'real' ones. Yet because they have not had real experiences in the real world with the birthmother, the cannot accept her as real either. Their split loyalties prevent them from resolving their issues with either set of parents"
-- Journey of the Adopted Self, Betty Jean Lifton

On Searching

"When a birthmom searches for an adoptee, she is giving a gift. All too often, the adoptees dont know how to unwrap it for a while.

If the rare instances where a mom turns down an adoptee down, she is in all likelihood really saying she cannot cope with her own pain"
- Adoption Healing, Joe Soll